“Italians have a little joke, that the world is so hard a man must have two fathers to look after him, and that's why they have godfathers.”

this is supposedly about my studies, but my personal life gets mixed up in my studies sometimes.

i've been seeing this guy for awhile who is more religious than i am. he's encouraged me to explore this side of myself. we have conversations about it that i find thought-provoking and satisfying. my unconventional spirituality is something we've made our peace with.

that's the nice story. the blunter version is that he's catholic, he wants this to go somewhere, and he wants to be married to one someday. he thinks that might be me. as much as we've made our peace with our religious differences, that's in our private life. publicly, his family and friends are catholic in a conventional sort of way, and they already look at me sideways. i know that if i didn't get baptized they'd become frowns. i know that even if i did someday, some of them, maybe many of them will never believe i mean it. and we'll probably face questions at every turn if we try to do things in unusual ways.

recently, a couple he's friends with asked him to be a godfather to their impending child. i knew this institution existed, but not much about it. i probably wouldn't have ever looked into it, except that he kept asking me how i felt about it. it was obvious that this was something more significant than i'd previously realized. after all, he's asking me how i feel about it, and we're nothing, right now. he's asking me if i mind him being tied to these people forever, even though there's no evidence that he and i will be tied together.

not long ago, we attended a wedding, and i sat through it with the critical eye of someone who might someday be asked to submit to one. i notice things he doesn't. the way the mass excludes anyone not in the church. i imagine my family and friends standing there, looking awkward, while everyone on his side of the altar receives communion. i imagine my half of the room, and it would be a pretty paltry half, sitting and waiting while the six thousand people he'll be obligated to invite go up to receive.

so we'd already talked about my discomfort with that. and now this. the other day, on the way home from church, i asked him if any child i had would have to be baptized with godparents. the answer, apparently, is yes. and would they have to be catholic? he didn't know.

so i looked it up:

"What if someone would like to have a faithful Protestant friend as a sponsor? Technically, only Catholics can be godparents or sponsors. A Christian of another denomination, whether Orthodox or Protestant, however, may be a "Christian witness" to the baptism along with the Catholic godparent. The reason for this distinction and restriction is that the godparent not only is taking responsibility for the religious education and spiritual formation of the baptized person, but also is representing the Church, the community of faith, into which the person is being baptized. A Christian who is not Catholic, although perhaps a very holy, Christian, cannot fully attest to the beliefs of the Catholic Church."

most of my friends and family aren't even protestant. before, i was trying to imagine the reactions of his family if i said i wanted to make an atheist godfather to my child. and imagining the reactions of mine if i excluded them entirely from this. these people, whoever they end up being, will play some role in the life of my child. am i prepared for that connection to come exclusively from his side of the family? 

as i said in the opening, it's hard for me to sort out my personal life and my studies. often, i've made my peace with a higher power. i've made my peace, somewhat, with the church. i can like its social mission and hate its politics and live with that. i understand that the church - especially the church as personified by the church i attend here in Detroit - will let me keep being who i am and still be a part of them. but i'm not always sure that that's true of my relationship with him. i feel sometimes like i'm being swallowed up. i'm afraid my life will be his life, plus my cynical commentary. i'm afraid of all the time i'll spend making polite small talk with people i can't identify with. i'm afraid my wedding will be so much more his wedding, that my children will be so much more his children. i'm afraid that very little of who i am, the influences that make me who i am, will be part of their lives.

i want them to be kind to those less fortunate. i want them to believe that love is always good and that gender and sexuality are flexible. i want them to believe that prayer is a dialogue with themselves and the universe and whatever higher power they believe in. i want them to know the value of silence. i want them to struggle sometimes. and i want them to hear my grandmother's laugh, and the liquid accents of my family. i want them to be able to laugh about going without, because they've lived through it and learned that it's not the end of the world. i want them to be as likely to turn to my brother's humor as his sister's quiet cheerfulness for their spiritual guidance. i want them to think of thomas as their uncle. 

this is harder to write than another reflection on my reading. there's no easy conclusion.